I am making a squishy, probably highly unflattering BLERGGGHHH, grrrrrr, blehhhhh face right now.
Why, you ask?
I'm fluffy. That's why.
Sarah who used to be 320+something pounds would be quite infuriated with 200lb, size-14 Sarah for complaining about her current state of being. But, while I once was a tight, fit, size-12ish, 200lb lean, mean, dense, muscle, awesome-machine...
Now? I am 200lbs of less muscle and a lot more wiggle.
Here's the thing. Life happens. It is pretty easy to commit to getting super buff and being in full-on-workout-super-mega-beast-mode when you have a part time job, a lot of time on your hands, and a large part of your very humble income is committed to the gym.
"What shall I do on my day(s) off? Hmm. Work out for 2 hours. Oh - friend wants to go for a walk and then work out later, also? Cool!" And then I just worked out for almost 4 hours.
This would happen a couple of times a week, along with the more "normal" workouts that were only 1-2 hours. But let's get real, yo.
Who has 2-4 hours a day to work out when you also work at least 45 hours a week, have a home, have a life, have people you love and want to see, and you need to...oh, you know - SLEEP. Or eat. Or, like, actually engage in life.
I don't know how to do it all. I don't. I have tried to figure it out, but I really don't know. And this, my friends, has been the single biggest struggle over the last 2 years. I should be grateful that I am 200lbs and not 330. I should enjoy that, while I'm not small, I'm at least still in Curvy Girl Land instead of You're Slowly Killing Yourself Land.
This brings up two huge things that are plaguing my brain of late:
1. How do you accept where you are? Others have lovely things to say, especially those who haven't seen you since you lost the initial weight and are so excited for you. It's strange how, even though they're right, even the loveliest things fall on deaf ears when you aren't succeeding how you feel you should. It's almost angering. And, why do I still see myself as a big person? I don't think other people who've only met me since I've been this physical version of me see me that way. When is everything good enough?
I want to be really physically fit again. How do I do that while committing more realistic amounts of time per day to fitness? I want to commit 30-75 minutes a day to physical activity. My knees are in a bit of a state of disarray due to my weight history, so there are a few limitations. But I want to be STRONG again. I want to firm up again. How do I do that knowing full well that I can't be the person who lackadaisically spends her multiple days off per week doing whatever she fancies, part of which happens to be working out for hours on end.
Readers who are fitness types or who have already or are struggling with this - throw a girl some pointers (but please avoid squats and lunges - my knees can't take it). I really, really need it. I want it. Need it, dare I say. No, no dares. Definitely need it.
And those of you who are or have struggled with self-perception and trying to find a way to be content with where you're at: lend me your thoughts.
I know it may seem as though I kid when I seem as though I'm talking with you all, but I really am. I picture you all chatting right back to me. I've got quite a soft spot for you, I do. There are some things that I've experience and am going through that I really hope can help others know what they're getting themselves into when they lose weight. But also? I'm a girl who wants to hear from others who've already gone beyond where I am. This is a conversation - not a lecture. So let's chat.