I'm going to be 33, and I still feel as though I'm learning like I'm 23. It's taken me a while to get there, but my 30's have definitely been my time to blossom. Instead of dwelling on the things about myself that disappoint me, that I want to fix, that I think I haven't done well enough, and all my failures and shortcomings as I usually do, I chose to do a little something different.
On Facebook yesterday, I wrote:
On this, the 5th day before I turn 33, I have decided that I will not judge myself as usual, but instead celebrate who I've become.
Day 5: I am grateful that I exist. I like getting to know me. I like Sarah Bauman. If I weren't her, I'd want to be her pal. You're alright, Sarah Bauman.
I have the greatest friends who were quick to remind me that they've know this all along. I have the greatest friends - the best friends I've ever had, and I'm so in love with them. But...
Something that's been nagging at me a little more recently... My perpetual singleness.
Today, on the fourth day before turn 33, I will continue choosing to not judge myself as usual, and celebrate who I've become.
Day 4: I am grateful that I am single, and have really never been otherwise. There have been many "almost's," many brilliantly random encounters that just don't seem to happen in real life (but they do!) that scream in and disappear just as quickly.
I'm really glad I've never had my heart shattered after having been in love and lost. Don't get me wrong - my heart's been broken. But I don't know what it's like to be in love and lose that.
I'd rather be single than be someone's "maybe."
I'd rather be single than be in something I know is temporary and futile.
I'd rather be single than tolerated.
I'd rather be single than strung along.
I'd rather be single than with someone who, after ages, just can't put a label on it.
I'd rather be single and a little naive than jaded.
I'd rather be single and, despite how futile it can seem sometimes, still have hope.
I'd rather be single and strong and in love with loving everyone than settle for less than that with one.
Eventually, there will be one. We'll both come screaming in, in one heck of an epic collision. Eventually... But until then, this will do just fine.