What does losing 100lbs feel like?
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| Bowling a year ago, over 316.5lbs. |
It’s sitting on the floor and not seeing your tummy down to
your knees.
It’s not being worried if bathroom stalls will be wide
enough.
It’s not being angry if you have to sit next to someone in a
movie theatre.
It’s stretching out my thighs before working out without
having to rest against the wall, struggling to bend my knee high enough to grab
my foot.
It’s walking up flights of stairs, thinking about my
breathing and heart rate, hoping that I could make it and that no one would
notice how badly I was struggling.
It feels like going to an amusement park and not being
turned away from a roller coaster because I don’t fit.
It feels like not having to work out the logistics for every
crowded room, for every seat that might not fit, and all the things you haven’t
even thought of yet.
It’s being confused when you see a photo with you in it and
you don’t stick out anymore.
It feels like walking down the street to get coffee, seeing
a reflection and thinking, “Huh… She’s cute…” and then realizing it’s you.
It’s realizing how badly you wished you could just be a size
18/20 someday, then realizing that you’re past it.
It feels like remembering how absolutely hopeless the idea
of ever being in the realm of normal health and size seemed.
It feels like meeting your friends’ children without their
first words to you being, “You’re biiiig,” and having to think of some clever,
lighthearted response to show what a good sense of humor you have.
It’s making good choices whether or not you’re inspired to.
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| Old "skinny" jeans! |
It’s the realization that you can now go shopping anywhere
you want and do the same thing.
It feels like finding out your feet are really a size 8.5 to
9 wide, not a 10 or 11.
It’s finally being able to go shoe shopping and
understanding the predicament of trying on 100 you love that FIT, and having to
make up your mind.
It’s realizing that someone who caught your eye just looked
back.
It’s dancing like a mad woman so long that you should have
collapsed by now, but you just keep going.
It’s discovering you have a collarbone.
It’s seeing the curve of your shoulders into triceps. And you aren’t even flexing.
It feels like chasing your little cousin around the yard.
It’s jogging for…
Well, it’s jogging. Period. Even if it’s only for a minute.
It’s realizing how many people care about you immensely and
have genuinely hoped the best for you before you were able to want the best for
yourself.
It feels like the huge sigh of relief from your parents when
they realize that they don’t have to worry that they’ll outlive you anymore.
It feels like the hope you didn’t realize you were lacking.
It feels like exuding more joy and energy than you were able
to before.
It’s realizing how
much really is possible.
It’s realizing
that I can do it. Whatever “it” is.
It feels like I’m
free.
It’s living,
people. It is living.
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I remember very, very well how absolutely impossible this
seemed. My Mom and I went to see the
first travelling-sister-yaya-panthood movie (or Sisterhood of the Travelling
Pants, if you will…). Every single time
there was a scene in Greece, we’d swoon and whisper how much we’d love to go
there. My Mom leaned over to me and
said, “When you lose 100lbs, we’ll go there!”
I smiled and said “Okay!” and figured it’d definitely, probably, maybe
happen someday. I’ve known for many
years that I needed to do something. As
hopeless as I have been, some part of me knew that it was certain to happen
someday. I just didn’t know when. Who knows why we’re wired the way we are, but
once a switch inside of me is flipped, it is done. D, O, N, E…
Done. I don’t know why it took so
long for this internal switch to get flipped, but fashionably late is better
than never. The Big Guy Upstairs must’ve
known what he was up to, after all.
So, how does one celebrate losing 100lbs? We’ll get to Greece, eventually. But for now…
By getting a new pair of workout shoes with a gift
certificate to Gazelle Sports from your parents! Once again, the folks at Gazelle pointed me
in the right direction, new shoe size and all.
By making a new dinner concoction, and being quietly
satisfied that 100lbs in, you’re satisfied celebrating with a delicious,
healthy meal that I will tell you about tomorrow.
By sitting on my couch trying desperately to write a blog
post, puzzled as to why I’m not more excited about it, then being blessed with
the realizations above.
While writing this and looking back on my journey so far, I
find myself overcome by this thought:
I think about you, Readers. I do. And today in particular, I’m thinking very much about those of you who
might be in the same boat as I was, feeling hopeless and facing an impossible
battle. More than anything, I sincerely
and earnestly hope that something in this little blog of mine will show you
just how deserving and capable you are of making it happen. I have silly amounts of love for you, and
want desperately for you to have your own interesting, difficult, amazing
journey to share. Thank you for being a
part of mine!
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| From top left to bottom right: my skinny jeans size 24, workout pants size XL pants and L tshirt from Old Navy, size 24 skinny jeans from side, size 28 skirt, current size 18 jeans that are too big, black dress size 22/24 from Lane Bryant. |
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