A New Resolve for a New Year.

Ending 2012 trying to remember how
far I've come!

Dear, dear readers!

A year ago, and feeling amazing.

Oh, my, so much has happened in the last couple of months.  So very much.  And you can be sure I intend to fill you in little by little.  It would be too much for one conversation.  Silly as it may seem, I do view these blogs as more of a conversation with all of you lovely humans I picture as I write.  I have missed you all.  I have missed our chats.

So, let's get reacquainted.  Catch up a bit.

How are you?  Did you have happy holidays?  What did you get for Christmas?  Did you indulge happily, satisfyingly refrain, or a bit of both?  Did you kiss someone on New Years' Eve at midnight, or did you make the most of a bit of mistletoe?  Did you make any resolutions this year?  If you made any last year, how did that go?

The New Year has never felt particularly new to me.  I've never felt like January 1st is anything other than a new day on a calendar.  I've never felt any particular significance to the magic date change that begins the next year.

Since I can recall, my year's always begun around August to September.  Having parents in education, being a student once upon a time, and working within the entertainment industry lends to things winding down in June and kicking back into high gear in August and September.

It just so happens that something's been brewing within me for quite some time, and the resolve to push forward finally made its way to the forefront.  I like that this happened to happen right now, the beginning of a brand new year.

When people have talked about "plateaus" in the past, I always surmised that it was a physical one.  Turns out, it can be mental, too.  And mine certainly has been.  A few things have happened in the last week, though, that have renewed me and instilled a drive and lust for life that I've been missing for a while.

A dear friend of mine put it like this:  there's a wall in front of you, and you've got a few big cement blocks you can stand on just enough to see over it, so you think, "Sweet!  I'm out of it!"  But, it turns out you aren't over it - you just got a view of the other side.  Then, something happens - and whatever it is, it puts its hands together, gives you a foothold and a lift, then nudges you on your way up the wall.  Before you know it, you're on top of the wall and all you have to do is start down the other side. Or, if you're like me, you just jump.

A year ago also, thrilled to be turning 30
and DJing alongside friends.

So, with this new year, I will not make resolutions.  I will embrace this new resolve and the faith that things are better, will continue to get better, and remember what I have done and what I am capable of doing.  I will be thankful for the things I've done and experienced in 2012.  And I will start out 2013 with the resolve to work on these things:

I will be thankful for the wonderful humans that have entered into my life, some of these even in just the last couple of months.
I will work harder.
I will focus, organize, and start ruling the world once again.
I will start tracking my food and working out a minimum of 5 times a week (and attempt to do so in the morning).  This is not because of a desire to be thin, but because of the satisfaction and contentment and happiness an active, healthy life brings me.

And I'll tell you all about it along the way.

Happy New Year, friends.  I hope and pray your 2013 is one full of truly living life, and things that may not be comfortable, but will be very, very good.

Cheers.

Back in the saddle again.

Doubt.

Confusion.

Chaos.  

Defeat.

Unbalance.

These are a few of my (least) favorite things.

As you know, they have been some of the most prominent things in my life over the last while, however.  So I went back to the beginning: what started all this?  What did I do that made this work?

Simple.

I didn't feel.  I didn't analyze.  I didn't get all bent out of shape about things.  There was no "A-ha" moment that made me magically start doing anything.  I made boring, calculated, measurable choices that eventually led to bigger changes both physically and mentally.

So I did it again.  I just started.

I'd gotten back up to 200.6 lbs as of about a week and a half ago.  I made myself get on the scale because I knew I needed to see it.  I broke down crying at the gym and felt like an utter failure.  Then, I went a bit numb for a few days.  

I made a boring, calculated choice to start doing what I know I should do again.  

1.5 weeks back into it?  This is what happened.  

I.  AM.  BACK!!!!!

Here we go, people.  I shall never cease to be repeatedly amazed at the simple truth that great things happen if you'll simply just do it.  

Carry on, people.  Carry on.

Breaking fat.

I’ve never thought of myself as “fat.”  I’ve always quite liked quite a few things about me.  But, how would I describe me if asked?  Do I see the same person in the mirror that others do?  How do I perceive myself? 

I’ve been struggling intensely over the last 6 months with a battle of projecting my leftover “fat girl mentality” onto others, by assuming their perception and potential reactions towards me are ones that only I have toward myself.  I’m consistently a bit baffled by all of the ways my weight affected me, and I really had no idea just how much it had influenced my mind.

That's me there, on the far right... Cowardly Lion at your service.

For years, I was literally an obstruction.  I was well over 320lbs at some point, and there’s just no getting around it – I was an obstacle at times, both physically and mentally.  I’ve had people in my life who’ve rolled with it the best they could and never made me feel as though I was a burden.  But some part in the back of my mind was and still is perpetually in this mode of constant apology, always feeling and assuming that I am an imposition. 

Something as simple as wanting to text a friend to hang out with her: 
Well, I don’t want to bother them…

I see people I know and I want to walk up to them: 
Should I? Shouldn’t I?  I don’t want to bother them…  Will they think it’s weird I’m just out and about by myself?  Will they mind if I join them?  I dunno…

“Sorry to bother you guys… Do you mind if…”

If I want to talk about anything personal with a friend, or, God-forbid, maybe show that I’m not 120% happy and ruling the world all the time, I’m petrified and just know it’s a bother, so I don’t.  I keep it in, or as you've heard me mention before, I "pull an ostrich."

Why would they be bothered? They are my friends.  If they were to walk up to me, I would most likely be overly giddy and delighted that they were there and wanted to join me.  Why do I assume people have such negative reactions to me? 

It is because it is not nearly as much about perception for me as it is projection: a projection of this bizarre, intense fear of vulnerability, rejection and failure.  At some point along the line, I allowed myself to be a defeatist.  I’ve come leaps and bounds since beginning this process, and sharing with all of you, in realizing that I have such a propensity to sell myself grossly short and prematurely fail.

Premature failure: the tendency to over-analyze things to an excruciating extent before actually taking action because, despite all potentially good outcomes, the result is nothing short of impending doom, hurt, and/or humiliation.

Problem sorted. Crisis averted.  Humiliation avoided.  Progress: none.

When it boils down to it, the problem is fear. 

Fear can be a crippling, stifling, cruel beast if you give it too much power.  I have no idea why my tendency is to submit to it, but I’ve reached my limit. 

It has been really, really tough. 

Here is what I am going to do about it.

I’m going to talk about it. Both to you all, because you deserve to know about all the mind-bending wonder you might encounter through the weight-loss process, and to someone who’s a pro.  I think it would be good for me, especially if I can find someone who's talked to people going through the weight loss process.  I’m going to make a conscious decision to do the opposite of what my fear is saying in hopes that, eventually, I’ll have ignored it enough to have overcome it.  I’m going to create a structure for better managing my time, my budget, and my work. I’m going to track my food more meticulously for the time being.  I’m going to create a new list of goals and desires to strive towards.

As someone said to me recently before I set off on a cold walk alone in the rain, “Everybody’s gotta be a big girl sometime…”  And it’s about that time.

Love & do. And don't stop.

I wanted to remember something, so I grabbed my little cork notebook that I carry with me at all times. I suppose it's a journal, but for some reason I have an aversion to the word "journal." It's full of thoughts; sometimes a word, sometimes a few pages.

I opened it up and came across this. I really needed to remember this today, and thought I'd share with you.

You are great. You are unique. You are special. And the same applies to you.

Progress and preparation!

I'm looking to let go of a whole lot of clothes. Some in person, some on eBay! I'll keep you all in the loop. I have a lot of great barely/never worn shoes, winter coats, great jackets, skirts, tops, belts, accessories - you name it.

I couldn't help but smile at this moment below while organizing... Progress is great, but I really do miss some of my stuff. It's certainly a nice problem, though.

Here's the thing: whether we are 125lbs or 325lbs, we all deserve to feel good, look good, and have fun with fashion. I just so happen to have had a bit too much fun at times! So if you need some new duds, I may be able to help.

More details headed your way soon!

Run, Sarah, Run.

Tonight, I ran.

The forecast said rain.  Dusk had already set in.  But, something about getting caught in the midst of what will most likely be the last warm, rainy deluge of the season just sounded enchantingly refreshing.  IPhone in Ziplock baggie (yeah, makeshift waterproofing...), Tanlines in earbuds, I set off.

I hit record on my my MapMyRun app, and set off walking to Green Grass by Tanlines (which I have listened to at least 30 times today - no exaggeration).  Then, I started running.  What felt like about 2 minutes later, I heard the lovely voice from my app tell me, "Time:  Eight minutes and three seconds.  Distance: 1.0 miles."

Ehhhhh...  That can't be right.  I'm restarting this app...  Yeah, that can't be right.  Do over.

So, I started recording my run over again.  This time?

Lovely-app-lady voice:  "Time: Seven minutes, thirty seconds.  Distance: 1.0 miles."  She said the pace and whatnot, too, but I just couldn't believe it.

Me:  "WHAAAAAAAA?!!!  NO way..." and decided to push myself a bit.

The next mile was under 7 minutes.  So, I kept running until I heard her say, "Time:  Twenty-nine minutes, 23 seconds.  Distance:  4.0 miles."

In the middle of the sidewalk just outside of the Kalamazoo Institute of Arts, I exclaimed, "HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  HECK yes!"  Surely, everyone walking out of the museum exhibit there tonight could hear the lovely woman's voice giving me such delightful news in my ear, too...  I actually felt myself accidentally smiling at this elderly man as I walked by as though he should be really excited for me, too.  Ah well.  Worst case scenario, he'll think I'm weird.  Best case scenario, he'll get a chuckle out of it.

Forgive the rambling - I am writing this while post-run endorphins are in full effect.

Part of me wanting to keep going - just because.  Why not?  I'm feeling up for it.  And then, like a kind little nudge saying to be happy with what I'd done but not push too hard, the rain began.

Point is:  I ran 5 miles in about 38 minutes, and this is something I never imagined that I would be able to do. Little by little, I'm improving.  Push a little harder.  Run a little further.  You will be happily surprised.

Update:  I'm thinking my app was totally off.  I did some figuring, and it was really more like 45 minutes, but I am still pleased as punch with that!

I can fly.

By the seat of my pants.

Over the first big hump and giant fall on a rollercoaster.

Off a diving board.

Through my favorite online shops in .2 seconds flat and pinterest the heck out of them.

Through 2lbs of raw green beans in 30 minutes flat.

And out the side of a mother-loving plane 13,000 feet up.

People...

So much has been up in the air.  My living situation, my job changing yet again, plus all the magic, random, greatness summer throws at you 794 times a week; all of these have made for a few months of so very much uncertainty, and a scrambling-frazzled-slightly-kookoo Sarah.  It's all I've talked about!  Because: it's true.  

In the midst of a run a while back, I got a call from one of my nearest & dearest who was having a rough evening due to some general douchebaggery that she had, unfortunately, experienced.  After calming down my inner rage-monster (don't mess with my loves, and don't keep me from working out - I go green and play with SUV's like they're Tonka Trucks), I met up with my friend, and a pretty grand opportunity arose.

Her:  "Wanna go skydiving?"

Me:  Instant elation, mental image of running and jumping out of a plane at full bore, intense desire to do it immediately.  And then I used my word(s)...

"YES!!!!!!!!!"

I've never had an intense desire to skydive, but as soon as this opportunity presented itself, it was done.  I was smitten with the idea.  I could not wait until the moment I got to jump out of a plane, and this mental video clip, of sorts, just kept replaying in my mind of me sprinting unreservedly out of a plane with the biggest grin on my face ever.  It was done.

As soon as we got there, I saw this guy.  He was nutty.  He was loud, hilarious, rough around the edges, and looked like he'd be a whole lot of fun and/or trouble.  So, when I heard him say, "ALL RIGHT - which one of you's SARAH?!" I was pleased.

I kept waiting for the moment when I'd get nervous or have second thoughts, but it never happened.  They even had to make us wait to resolve an issue with the plane, and that made me even more excited.

Fast forward past some coffee, great tunes, and watching others make it back to planet earth a few times to me, dangling out in mid-air, strapped to the chest of Crazy Todd.  My eyes are closed, yes, but it was a moment of happiness, I assure you.  

The butterflies that accompanied the initial drop were unreal. That moment of dropping straight down, feet first, was one of the greatest feelings I have ever experienced.  Falling.  Just falling...

I've felt a bit like I've been falling all summer - having jumped off of something with no bottom in sight, no person strapped to my back ready to pull the cord for me, and a frenzied, flailing, rather ungraceful fall.  I've been so concerned with seeing what I'm about to come careening down into, that I've neglected taking in the view of all the great things that have happened along the way.

Before I jumped, I had a chat with another one of the divers who worked there.  He asked how I was feeling about it, and I let him know that at this point, my only emotion was thrilled anticipation.  He gave me some great advice: no matter what, do not look down.  It wasn't that it's scary to look down, but he said, "Why bother staring at the ground, when all of the good stuff is straight ahead?"

So I took his advice.  I checked out the landscape a few times, but I spent what felt like an hour watching the skyline.  I watched as I grew closer to the clouds and then blew right through them.  I watched as the skyline faded into a slightly lighter blue.  And I smiled.  I smiled so much my face hurt when it was over.

Was it scary?!

What about the whole you-could-die thing?

Why?

No.
I didn't think of that...  I really didn't.  There was a pro stuck to my back, and all I wanted to do was run and jump and fly.
Why not?  

It was so quiet.
It was so peaceful.
It was magical.
It was absolute bliss.

The combination of being out of control yet completely at peace with the moment was just...  Correct.  I can't think of another word.  It was right.

Learning to be at peace with where you're at is something that I've been trying to learn for a long time.  During one of the key moments in my life, totally disconcerted and depressed with life as it was, my Dad told me, "Sarah.  You will not be able to progress until you are at peace with where you're at."

This is something that has come to mind more times than I can possibly recollect, and has been a bigger lesson than what I could have imagined.

So, what now?  Instead of feeling as though life is currently an ungraceful, frenzied, frightening fall with nothing but uncertainty and an impending rocky abyss awaiting to meet me, I'm going look ahead.  I'm going to remind myself that while I may be in mid free-fall, I need to take in the view and appreciate everything that's going on right in front of me.

I gave myself some time this summer to take a break and remember what it's like to live without being so overly control-freaked-out that I missed out on life.  I ate things I shouldn't have.  I drank things I shouldn't have.  I went places and did things at the drop of a hat.  While it was great, I've also been guilt-ridden the whole entire way. We'll talk more about this soon.  But, what do I have because of my giving in a bit?  Some amazing memories and life lessons, including learning to realize that the difference between falling and flying is as simple as putting my chin up.



Even if my face looks like this:

PS - Don't even pretend you haven't used "Pinterest" as a verb, too.