Thursday, November 1, 2012

Breaking fat.

I’ve never thought of myself as “fat.”  I’ve always quite liked quite a few things about me.  But, how would I describe me if asked?  Do I see the same person in the mirror that others do?  How do I perceive myself? 

I’ve been struggling intensely over the last 6 months with a battle of projecting my leftover “fat girl mentality” onto others, by assuming their perception and potential reactions towards me are ones that only I have toward myself.  I’m consistently a bit baffled by all of the ways my weight affected me, and I really had no idea just how much it had influenced my mind.

That's me there, on the far right... Cowardly Lion at your service.
For years, I was literally an obstruction.  I was well over 320lbs at some point, and there’s just no getting around it – I was an obstacle at times, both physically and mentally.  I’ve had people in my life who’ve rolled with it the best they could and never made me feel as though I was a burden.  But some part in the back of my mind was and still is perpetually in this mode of constant apology, always feeling and assuming that I am an imposition. 

Something as simple as wanting to text a friend to hang out with her: 
Well, I don’t want to bother them…

I see people I know and I want to walk up to them: 
Should I? Shouldn’t I?  I don’t want to bother them…  Will they think it’s weird I’m just out and about by myself?  Will they mind if I join them?  I dunno…
“Sorry to bother you guys… Do you mind if…”

If I want to talk about anything personal with a friend, or, God-forbid, maybe show that I’m not 120% happy and ruling the world all the time, I’m petrified and just know it’s a bother, so I don’t.  I keep it in, or as you've heard me mention before, I "pull an ostrich."

Why would they be bothered? They are my friends.  If they were to walk up to me, I would most likely be overly giddy and delighted that they were there and wanted to join me.  Why do I assume people have such negative reactions to me? 

It is because it is not nearly as much about perception for me as it is projection: a projection of this bizarre, intense fear of vulnerability, rejection and failure.  At some point along the line, I allowed myself to be a defeatist.  I’ve come leaps and bounds since beginning this process, and sharing with all of you, in realizing that I have such a propensity to sell myself grossly short and prematurely fail.

Premature failure: the tendency to over-analyze things to an excruciating extent before actually taking action because, despite all potentially good outcomes, the result is nothing short of impending doom, hurt, and/or humiliation.

Problem sorted. Crisis averted.  Humiliation avoided.  Progress: none.

When it boils down to it, the problem is fear. 

Fear can be a crippling, stifling, cruel beast if you give it too much power.  I have no idea why my tendency is to submit to it, but I’ve reached my limit. 

It has been really, really tough. 

Here is what I am going to do about it.

I’m going to talk about it. Both to you all, because you deserve to know about all the mind-bending wonder you might encounter through the weight-loss process, and to someone who’s a pro.  I think it would be good for me, especially if I can find someone who's talked to people going through the weight loss process.  I’m going to make a conscious decision to do the opposite of what my fear is saying in hopes that, eventually, I’ll have ignored it enough to have overcome it.  I’m going to create a structure for better managing my time, my budget, and my work. I’m going to track my food more meticulously for the time being.  I’m going to create a new list of goals and desires to strive towards.

As someone said to me recently before I set off on a cold walk alone in the rain, “Everybody’s gotta be a big girl sometime…”  And it’s about that time.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Awesome post dear.Balance diet and regular exercise are so important for burning fats of body.Avoid junk foods and sugar.

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  3. So proud of you! This was a great post. I've been looking forward to it for a while now. It's kind of like hitting puberty all over again. You have this new body and all of these feelings and you don't know what to do with yourself. If talking to friends and family won't help, I think talking to a professional is a great idea. Sometimes you just got to talk it out.

  4. Awesome, honest writing. You are an inspiration to many, Sarah!!

  5. Believe it or not, you can simply wait out a craving. Sometimes we may even mistake a craving for actual hunger. Playing the waiting game will help you distinguish between the two.

  6. Dealing with weight loss can be compared to trying to be successful in life. You should have determination, discipline and commitment to achieve something. And the outcomes are often determined by habits whether good or bad. Breaking bad health habits and making good ones can be very hard but will surely make a better person out of you.

  7. We can't help but to associate ourselves as a fat person, if we're really once before. But that notion will soon fade away as you face the mirror.

  8. What an inspiration it was to read this, I've been there and it was tough days. Remember always that the correct nutrition and macronutrients are key to losing weight. Calories in vs. calories out

  9. found a very interesting program that i thought i might share just started it and it is helping me with my weight lose ive already lost 5 pounds within 10 days check it out

  10. That’s the spirit, Sarah! Never lose hope. Weight can be shed off if you have the motivation and willingness to do it continuously. Fear will remain a hindrance to your happiness only if you let it control you. However, if you ignore that fear of being rejected and humiliated, then everybody will see you differently; and when you start exercising and dieting, you will also feel differently.

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  11. Your story is inspiring. I think it can even motivate those who want to improve themselves as well, even if not on the physical side. But it is true that having a healthier body is not an easy feat, thus inspiring stories like this is a great way to encourage people to keep their head on the game and to not give up.

  12. Well,going by your plan,I think you are destined to turning your life around.I'm sure if you get to better manage your time, budget, watch your diet doing it all consistently.You'll get there.

  13. Thank you all so much for your feedback! Everything I've read on my last few posts has given me so many great ideas & tips for moving forward. It feels good to be back in the game. I wish it was like facebook and I could go through and click "like" on all your great comments! I have to keep remembering that this blog is about all of us - it helps me through, gives us all a sounding board, and I hope you all can relate. I love hearing from you all.

  14. If discussing with buddies and family won't help, I think discussing with a professional is a intelligent idea. Sometimes you just got to discuss it out.


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  21. I think it is also important that you set your mind and focus to your goals. Losing weight can be a tough challenge but if done right, everything is worth it :)

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  22. Its a good play on words seeing as everyone is referencing breaking bad lol