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Sunday. It should have been a great day. I should have been really pleased with myself.
Should have...
Last year, my grand ol' city of Kalamazoo became host to a new marathon - Borgess Hospital's Run for the Health of It. The company I work for decided to sponsor any of us who wanted to get involved, so I decided it'd be a great idea and a great example of my new-found healthy lifestyle to take part. I had a hard time coming alive that day, but I pushed myself through it and I finished in 52 minutes. I was disappointed that day because I knew I did over 3 miles regularly in a little less than that, but I was pleased that I'd decided to partake.
It's so interesting looking back. One year ago, I was about 285lbs and had lost about 30. I was in better shape and feeling really good about myself. I walked along with my friend Erin, each of us with our pump-you-up tunes channeling into our brains through one earbud so we could chat along the way. We huffed it! We did the math, and we walked an average of 4.13 miles per hour and I was really pleased with the steady pace, even uphill. It's really weird to think that I did the same thing today as I did a year ago, but about 90lbs lighter, and about 10 minutes faster. It felt good to improve and feel how far I've come.
It's so interesting looking back. One year ago, I was about 285lbs and had lost about 30. I was in better shape and feeling really good about myself. I walked along with my friend Erin, each of us with our pump-you-up tunes channeling into our brains through one earbud so we could chat along the way. We huffed it! We did the math, and we walked an average of 4.13 miles per hour and I was really pleased with the steady pace, even uphill. It's really weird to think that I did the same thing today as I did a year ago, but about 90lbs lighter, and about 10 minutes faster. It felt good to improve and feel how far I've come.
But.
After all of that, I couldn't stop thinking about how my lack of diligence has caught up with me and I spent the better part of the day feeling so very disappointed in myself. I know I've put on a couple of pounds. I've had a rough month, which is no excuse. But instead of my exercise enhancing my weight loss, it's helped me juuuuust about break even. I've realized that if there are easy, yummy things around me, I don't say no very well. I'm just fine when I can control the foods around me and how they've been prepared. When I'm not in as much control as I'd like, though, I find myself either eating without even realizing what I've consumed, or almost having an anxiety attack about how what I'm going to do so that I stick within what I know I should consume. I've had a few awkward moments at restaurants when I pretty much have an anxiety attack over what I'm going to eat because it seems like there isn't anything reasonable for me to eat. True story. Ask my Mom.
What am I going to do about this?
I've gotta celebrate! I've come so far! I'm perfectly capable of making good choices, but I realize I'm still in a phase where I have to log my calories the majority of the time, because while I am a better eater overall, I still have times where I eat thoughtlessly and end up eating things that I shouldn't. Work in progress here, people. Work in progress. And while this is nauseatingly overused, tomorrow really is a new day. Today was a new day, too. What did I do with it? What shall I do with tomorrow?
I decided that today, I would reboot - get back to my good, ol' healthy eating standards and let my body get back to normal and recover from all of the things it's not used to processing. I already feel better.
For free.
Yep - for free. I won! Diligence pays off, and just because I may have flubbed up for a while... Well, I am human, and I mess up sometimes. Thank God for reminding me, though, that just because I screwed up, it doesn't mean that I am a screw up.
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Hey Sarah, great post! I totally know where you are coming from, I had a period recently where I was eating some not so good stuff and put on a few pounds. I've been back on the wagon for a few weeks now and feel a lot better! I realized that there will always be periods of time where I gain some weight, it's NEVER going to always go down or stay the same. Just have to make sure to catch it in time! :-)
ReplyDeleteYou're so very right. I'm so darn hard on myself. Accepting what you just said and hitting the reset button are just part of the process - I've got to remember that!
DeleteVery well put! I, also, have lost about 100 lbs. and ran last weekend but just the 5k. I was disappointed when everyone kept asking are you doing the full or the half. Lol. Your blog is timely on a night when I gave into pizza. I also do well when I can control the environment but parties and gatherings are hard. Thanks for the reminder that it is a process.
ReplyDeleteYou did the one at Borgess, too?! You RAN, though! I hope I can do that next year, too! Giving in sometimes is great, and necessary - but I lost the whole moderation thing for a while, haha. PS - my roomie made the cauliflower crust pizza a few times (I have yet to try it, but I will!) and everyone's ranted and raved. I don't have the link offhand, but you can google or pinterest it and it'll pop up in a flash.
DeleteIt’s easy to “should” ourselves and forget what we’ve done. You could have chosen to continue your bad month and not ran at all, but you didn’t and that’s the important thing to remember! And your overall progress came knocking at your door, saying “Hey, remember me!?” and rewarded you with more time at the gym!
ReplyDeleteYou're so right! Reading your blog has been so helpful, too. It seems like every time I read, you've got something in there I just needed to hear. Thank you for that!
DeleteAh Sarah - you're such an inspiration to me. Don't ever let yourself feel like a screw up because you're a human being occasionally. Congratulations on the additional 3 month membership! Very well done and hard earned.
ReplyDeleteSame to you, lady. And thank you - I'm so all or nothing that I get defeated sometimes! Your posts make my mind wander and ponder dreamy things, which I often need after writing in this, haha. Thanks about the membership!
DeleteGood valid comments above, also you don't need to aim for stick thin, you are lookin Good as you are now, so just maintaining that is great.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mark! No worries - I'm going to be a curvy girl forever! Just have a little ways to go, yet :)
DeleteYou are doing great! I have the same issue as you with the anxiety over the food. I literally have a panic attack if I can't seem to find anything on the menu half-way healthy for me. I was told that in order to make the changes you make "lifestyle" changes, then you need to be able to have things that you wouldn't usually have, a slice of pizza, a cookie, etc. in order to be able to stick with it long term. This is where my anxiety comes in. I ordered my favorite ice cream for my birthday treat, I usually would have eaten a medium size, but I decided I would only order the mini-blizzard. I took about 5 bites and couldn't do it anymore. I could literally task the fat and bad stuff. It didn't even taste good.
ReplyDeleteI also want to say congratulations on the 3 month membership!
I live in Iowa and we just completed the Live Healthy Iowa 100 Day Challenge. This year they chose 10 Iowans from all over the state to be on a "Dream Team." I was one of the Iowans chosen. I worked really hard throughout the challenge, I think having everyone watching you through the journey gives you extra motivation and accountability. I ended up losing 48lb throughout the 100 days and was the "Biggest Loser" of the team. I also started running as part of my regular exercise routine and found that I really enjoy it. I ran my first 5K on April 28, 2012 in an amazing 38:05.
Nice going on the challenge and the 5k! You're right about the accountability... Having this here blog certainly puts some fire in me. It also makes me embarrassed when I know I've not been doing so well, but I need to start sharing that with you all, too. I know you'll understand. I hope I can take a note from you and run the 5k next year!
DeleteIn regards to the anxiety, I know I've got to work on balance. Or, I've just got to be okay with the fact that I've chosen to cut certain things out completely. I don't know about you, but I sometimes get anxious because I feel like I should override doing what I want to do for me, and do what the normal thing is that everyone else is doing. Like, somehow I'm letting people down by not going along with things or something. My own little neurosis! But hey, we'll find balance! All part of the process! And in the meantime, we can hash it out on here :) So grateful for you awesome readers! So much to learn from everyone.
it's so sad to me that food still consumes your life. I hope that in my weight loss journey I can learn to accept myself, and not let anxiety about food ruin and detract from the pleasure I can find in life.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your concern. Food hasn't ever and, thankfully, still does not consume my life. However, I'd be remiss in talking about my weight loss journey without admitting that things aren't all roses all of the time. Part of progress is being aware & honest with myself about everything, whether it's good or bad. I make mistakes. I would also be remiss if I weren't open about how I am very aware that this is going to be a conscious, life-long effort for me. I do have an overall better way of being now, but it still takes daily, conscious effort. We are our own worst enemies at times, and the struggle is more with forgetting how far I've come than not enjoying life. I have always liked who I am, but this was a necessary step in my life's progression. I am SO very thankful! This process has been wonderfully transformative in every way, but I have ups and downs like anyone. I hope your journey is as fruitful and interesting as so many of ours have been!
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