81 Pounds Get The Boot.

81 pounds!  HA!  

Good God, y’all.  What is it good for?  Aaaaabsolutely –

Well, it’s good for a reason to treat yourself to a sweet new jacket and some rockin’ ankle boots.  That’s what.   I weighed myself this morning and was thrilled to see that I’d lost 5.3 pounds and had moved into the 80’s.  1981, if you will - the year I was born.  There's got to be some double-rainbow-mind-bending significance to that...  

Or not.  

These last couple weeks have been interesting.  I don’t know why, but my body has changed a lot over the last couple of weeks, and it’s been really, really strange for me to try and wrap my mind around some of the things this has stirred up.  The more weight I lose, I am constantly surprised by the ways it affects me, both physically and mentally.  The mind grows, the body gets...  Ehhhhhh, weirder, apparently.  It would seem my body is getting better in some ways, and just plain odd in others.  We'll discuss the weirdness later this week.  It’s not all roses lately, so I've had to keep reminding myself that this is a very good thing.  

We've got a lot to talk about.

But for now, you might be wondering, "Well, Sarah, last time you had sushi to celebrate hitting 70 pounds.  How about this time?!"  

I did have salmon again, but the real celebration came in the form of suede, pleather, and a pleasing view of myself in the mirror.  My feet have finally decided to take part in this whole weight loss thing!  Some ladies are blessed and have lovely little feet and ankles, despite the rest of them not being quite so little.  Not I!

But, that has changed, and I have a rockin' pair of ankle boots to prove it.  I may or may not have also purchased a new pleather jacket at TJ Maxx.  (That, of course, means yes - yes, I did.)  Not only are my new ankle boots just plain awesome, they also happen to be deceptively comfortable.  Huzzah!!!

In honor of having lost 81 pounds, here are some photos of me basking in a brazen, wonderfully vain moment hearing Thin Lizzy's "Jailbreak" in my mind while checking myself out in my new goodies.  

Pleather jacket - can't find brand!  TJ Maxx - $29.99

Zigisoho black ankle boot wedges - $40 at DSW

The "D" Word.

Yeah.  The “D” word.  Go ahead – guess which one it is.

Dresses?  Dorky?  Does she mean a swear word?  No, dumby…  Oh -that’s a D-word, too…

Dating.  I hate that word.  When I think of dating, I think of some awkward, lame thing you do for an evening with some person you’ve barely just met, and a bunch of annoying, stupid things and whatnot.  Do I sound like a bratty little teenager?  WELL – you don’t  date anyone properly for, like, 7 years and we’ll see how far you regress.  I haven’t been interested in anyone in a very, very, very long time.  It’s partly because I just haven’t, but I’m also pretty sure it’s because I’ve been pulling an ostrich, too. 

The idea of "dating" makes me about as comfortable as this video's business-man-by-day-wild-man-by-night, Maurice, and scrawny-wouldn't-have-made-it-as-a-viking Fred.  For lots of reasons.

Before you lose weight, it’s very easy to think, “Gee, golly – when I lose weight, I’ll be one pretty desirable hepcat!  It’ll be so much easier then!  Everything will just magically work out because I’m thinner – HOORAY!”

Well, I very well may be one desirable hepcat.  But this is another side of me I've kept safely hidden behind my steadily deteriorating wall of flubber.  Like many other things I've talked with you guys about, getting back in touch with it causes more of that annoying but liberating self-realization/growth nonsense.  I really am a pro at keeping things away that might hurt my heart.

I’ve never been one of those girls who embraced their size.  There are plenty of beautiful, strong, fantastic women who have.  I have never been comfortable with my physical body.  I’ve always known how to dress well – hide the funny bits and flatter the good ones…  I’ve never been shy, and I’ve always liked the things that are intrinsically me.  At times, I've thought that my personality and "coolness" were great enough to help people overlook my physical shortcomings, but I don't think I've ever really felt that it's possible for me to find love without fixing my exterior. 

Actually, what I really thought was that there was no way I would be able to meet someone great. I would either have to be single, or put up with someone gross enough to settle for me.  So, I’d rather be alone. 

Do I feel this way about people other people?  No.  Do we all say horrible, awful things to ourselves that we would never say to another person?  Abso-freaking-lutely.  The thought of someone saying things like that to a person I care about gives me the instant urge to cause them physical pain.  A couple of times.  But, somehow, it is always perfectly acceptable when trying to fairly, realistically analyze myself. 

So, I suppose I was right.  My exterior did have to change, but not for the destructive reasons I'd convinced myself of, and not to make me worthy of love.  Things at my core had to be shaken, rearranged, and sorted out so that I could be capable of accepting love should it happen to come my way.

So, when will it happen for me?  When will I finally meet someone again?

Who knows?  I look forward to it, but I don't care when.  For now, I am happy learning to love myself little by little.

I. Love. Clothes.

Shopping in Chicago before Christmas, 2004.

I really do love clothes.  Even during my during my misguided phases of poor clothing choices, my love of shopping and clothing has remained steadfast.  I’ve joked many a time in the past that maybe I was meant to be overweight, because if I were skinny, I’d be in serious shopping trouble.  Funnily enough, losing weight has curbed my shopping appetite.  Somewhat.  

Actually, after typing that last sentence, I came to a bit of a realization.  It would seem that my shopping habits have changed quite similarly to my eating habits.  I don’t need to buy whatever I can because it’s all that’s available to me.  Now, I have more options.  Better options! 

I assumed, pre-weightloss, that I’d go hog wild with all the clothing that would be available to me.  Turns out, just the opposite is true.  I think I shopped before with a kind of frenzy, thinking, “I’ve got to get this, because what else can I get?!?!”  Now if I see something I like, that urgency has dissipated greatly because it’s so much easier to find even more things I like. 

The ability to be choosey is much more satisfying than buying a bunch of things simply because I can.

If I could splurge, though, I would.   I’m going to visit my brothers in Chicago this weekend, and you bet your bum I’ll be doing some shopping!  I love the Forever 21 plus size line, so I visit the website often, then hit up the store when I’m in Chicago.  Especially at the rate I shrink out of things these days, I love how trendy-but-non-committal Forever 21 allows me to be.  I won’t be broken-hearted if I spend under $20 on something cool that just lasts me this winter.  I’m pretty fickle when it comes to clothes anyway.  The likelihood of me wearing something a few years in a row is pretty slim.

Here’s a bit of a Pinterest wishlist for this fall, and down below are a few of my favorites from ASOS Curve right now.  What are some of your must-have fall items?  Are you a scarf and jacket addict like me, or what floats your boat?  Comment!  And if you’ve got something awesome to share, you’d better have a link so the rest of us can gawk, too.

   

  

Fat Archaeology

Christmas, 1992: our family had gone to the theatre to see a holiday movie.  On the television screens in the lobby, I saw someone drill a tiny hole into an amber stone, insert a needle, then pull out dino-DNA from a mosquito.

Would consider being chased by these if it

meant Jeff Goldbum would save me.

Blood rushed to my face, adrenalin surged through my body, and I was beside myself insisting we absolutely had to see it.  Of course, I was ecstatic afterwards, despite being terrified that Velociraptors were going to chase me up the stairs and “compies” (Compsognathus) were going to nibble my toes if I let my feet dangle off of my bed.

I wanted so badly to be an Archaeologist and used to daydream about Egyptian ruins, Mayan temples, and most of all, how exciting it would be discovering dinosaurs’ remains. 

After all my dreaming, I’ve finally had a few successful discoveries.  They are as follows:

My collar bones. 
My knees. 
My elbows. 
Some kind of bones in my butt I can feel when I sit flat on the floor…
My ribs.
My knuckles.
I could be mistaken, but I do appear to have shoulders forming.  Will report back when officially confirmed.

Knuckles exposed.

I had no idea there was unfluffy matter underneath that extraneous, uncharted, fatty landscape.  Now, the downside to revealing these bones: less safety padding than there used to be.  It is highly likely that my clumsiness will result in pain due to the lack of natural cushioning.  Nevertheless!  I am happy to be making these discoveries, and have dubbed the discovery process of my body revealing its hidden features “Fat Archaeology.”

If you’ve never been as overweight as I have, this may seem a bit silly.   Well, Fat Archaeology really is a bit silly – but it’s thrilling to see and feel things I never have before.  The weight loss process is so full of little victories every day that no one else may understand.  These little victories (physically, mentally, and spiritually) could happen at any moment.  And while they may seem small, these are by far the most huge and most rewarding victories I have encountered along the way. 

You’re going to see mini-blogs on here regularly entitled “Fat Archaeology” and “Little Victories.”  I would absolutely love to hear about your “Little Victories.”  Feel free to post your unique, odd, embarrassing, thrilling, little victories that pop up out of nowhere on here, or on my facebook page.  

By the way – no, I did not have to look up Compsognathus.